In 2017 Doomworld’s level design geeks put together a Mario-themed community megawad, for which I was contacted to write the intermission text.
CHAPTER 1
“Maybe skewering the toads on a”,
“pole was an overreaction, but”,
“you warned Peach what would hap-“,
“pen if you heard that damn ‘Our”,
“princess is in another castle'”,
“line one more time.”,
” “,
“You warned the Koopas, too.”,
“‘No more mister nice-a plumber,'”
“you’d said. Guess they’ll take”,
“you at your word from now on.”,
” “,
“You park the airship on some”,
“poor shyguy’s house in Groovy”,
“Grove or whatever it’s called.”,
“The locals seem miffed at your”,
“callousness. They won’t be talk-“,
“ing tough for long.”
CHAPTER 2
“You sit atop the ruins, polishing”,
“off your pastrami sandwhich while”,
“reflecting on how much destruction”,
“you’ve wrought on the cultures of”,
“this weird world.”,
” “,
“John Carter gets sexy naked”,
“warrior babes and a legion of”,
“martian bug men. You get a”,
“preening blow-up doll and a”,
“bunch of shrill-voiced shrooms.”,
“Just your luck.”,
” “,
“Where the hell is that lazy”,
“sack Luigi during all this,”,
“anyway? Just like him to leave”,
“you holding the bag…”
CHAPTER 3
“Nightmare transforming castle de-“,
“feated along with the bulk of the”,
“koopa army and too damn many magi-“,
“koopas and fake bowsers. What’s”,
“your reward? ‘Our princess is in”,
“another castle!’ Topping it all off,”,
“to get to the real castle you have”,
“to traverse Rainbow Road without a”,
“go-kart!”,
” “,
“That tears it. For real, this time.”,
“This is the last time you pull”,
“that bubble-head out of trouble.”,
“Every damn week she’s in somebody”,
“else’s basement. Maybe she does”,
“it on purpose. Maybe you’ll give”,
“her a piece of your mind after”,
“handing Bowser his ass for all time.”
FINALE
“As Bowser is crushed in an avalanche”,
“of rubble what used to be his giant”,
“Koopa Dispenser, you wonder just how”,
“much political chaos you’ve plunged”,
“the Koopa Kingdom into. It might be”,
“fun to watch, but you’d rather not”,
“waste another minute in this dump.”,
“You turn and hop away, leaving Peach”,
“behind, scratching her head. Maybe”,
“she can write to Luigi when she”,
“gets snatched again.”,
” “,
“It’s a long walk to Daisy’s place”,
“for racquetball and strip poker,”,
“but it’s worth it. At least she”,
“doesn’t get kidnaped every ten”,
“minutes. She makes a mean mint”,
“julep, too.”
SECRET LEVEL INTRO
“You found the secret level!”,
“More like you took a wrong turn”,
“at albuquerque. The only thing”,
“you hate worse than koopas is”,
“mind-shattering puzzles, and”,
“boy did you find a doozie.”
SUPER SECRET LEVEL INTRO
“You found the super secret level!”,
” “,
“Man, things got low-tech in a hurry.”,
“Maybe Princess Daisy will let you”,
“crash at her place if you survive.”