Mike's Toybox

Angry Valentine’s Day Rant for Single Men

or

OKCupid Review #66

A performance art piece I performed in a lighthearted manner at a poetry slam after V-Day.

The women on OKCupid love to talk about all the bad messages they get from scummy guys, but without fail they conveniently neglect to mention dudes like me.

Hi. I’m the fella who actually reads your profile, tries to engage you like civilized human being, tries to make you laugh and invites you to do fun stuff that doesn’t involve sex in the back of a truck. I’m the guy you brush off just as easily as the creeps because I’m 5’9” instead of 6’, or because I have facial hair, or because I’m atheist, or because I don’t look like Channing Tatum, or because you disagreed with one of the thousands of questions I answered on the site. I’m the guy who, if you met me in person, you’d friend zone me on sight, or worse, pretend I don’t exist. I’m the guy you never talk about because it’d show people that your entitled asses are half the problem with online dating, but you’d rather blame the men for everything and continue looking like the victims.

Yeah, most of the men on the site are crap, but the women are worse because they’re totally conceited about being just as crap. Online dating is supposed to make it easier to meet people, but all it really does is streamline rejection — I become just another resume on the slush pile of love, who didn’t make the cut because I read comics, or I don’t believe in pampering, or I’m a few months over the hiring authority’s strict age guidelines. I’m definitely not that computer engineer who had to hack the website before he could actually get a date on it.  Even then that sonofabitch had to go on 800 dates before he found anybody. Speaks worlds of confidence about my chances, doesn’t it?

If I wanted women to brush me off like I’m a Jehova’s witness, I’d have stuck to talking with them in person.

The only positive about OKCupid is that it doesn’t cost anything to register, and you don’t have to pay to send or receive messages. Great. So at least my bank account isn’t as broke as my heart.