PSA for Higher Quality Standards
By Mike MacDee
PSA opens with the speaker (we’ll call him Joe; replace “Joe” with whoever the spokesman is) standing in front of a wall plastered with bad movie posters and clippings from Cosmo. The picture is “Shot-on-Shitteo” grainy, and when he speaks the sound quality is laced with static and almost gratingly bad. Joe wears clothing that suggests someone who’s into classic films or fine art.
Hello, World. You’re probably wondering why the video quality is so terrible. I had to use the worst possible equipment on the worst possible settings to achieve this clusterfuck of a broadcast, in order to ensure that you, the consumer, would pay attention. For the duration of this Public Service Announcement, I will flash subliminal images to appeal to your base desires in order to keep your interest.
[Brief shot of a model in a bikini]
Our subject: Rate My Poo, a website that allows people to take pictures of their most recent bowel movements and post them on Twitter, where their peers then rate the poo based on highly advanced criteria. In short, shit has become the modern standard for entertainment.
[Brief shot of Edward Cullen from Twilight]
Our current entertainment standards are so low they’re wallowing in the gutter. The film industry used to take risks on the films they produced; over time they relied more on focus groups and less on film crews and screenwriters, putting marketing ahead of creativity in order to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Today every film is insured against box office failure, reducing financial risk — and creative output — to a big, fat, greasy zero. The result is a diseased flurry of half-assed sequels, quarter-assed remakes, and franchise reboots designed to reduce classic, innovative films to cheap, disposable junk. We call this…the Brown Standard effect.
[Brief shot of a six-pack of beer]
No industry is safe against the Brown Standard effect. Bad fanfiction now earns six-figure publishing deals for undeserving authors with no talent. Music is manufactured like cheap Barbie dolls. Comic books are written by twelve-year old male charter school students. Videogames are designed for the mentally handicapped, and are sold as overpriced DLC rather than complete, bug-free products.
[Brief shot of Spongebob Squarepants]
But Joe, I hear you ask, why should I care? Romero Syndrome, that’s why. Romero Syndrome is a deadly, zombie-like disease that results from consumers gorging themselves on half-assed products, like flies on a high-rating turd. Today’s consumers are desensitized to dissatisfaction, thanks largely to their overuse of corporate piss as mouthwash. This desensitivity is a major warning sign of Acute Romero Syndrome. It is usually followed by inability to dislike anything, hypersensitivity to criticism, minor brain death, hyper-impulsiveness, brain hemorrhage, and death.
[Brief shot of a bear on a unicycle]
But Joe, you interrupt once again, isn’t quality a subjective thing? Doesn’t the fact that I like it make it good?
Joe briefly winces as he struggles against an oncoming fit of rage.
No. “Like” and “criteria” are not the same thing. This is another sign of Acute Romero Syndrome: inability to distinguish the two. For example, the DeLorean is a sweet-looking sports car, and it enjoys iconic status as the time machine from Back to the Future. For these reasons, I like the DeLorean. However, a good car doesn’t break down every three blocks!
[Brief shot of Shia LeBoef]
Luckily Romero Syndrome is reversible with a steady diet of critical thinking and “taste therapy,” which helps the afflicted distinguish the difference between “like” and “criteria,” and allows them to better judge when something is terrible and dissatisfying. Please spread awareness of the Brown Standard and its effect on Acute Romero Syndrome, so that we may band together and tell entertainment industries worldwide that we deserve better.
I’m Joe, and I’m a former Brown Standard patient.
[Brief barrage of boob pics before picture goes to black]