On any other day of the week, Egyptian cow-goddess Hathor was a peach: loved to dance, was great with kids, greeted everyone with a smile. She was also the loyal secretary of Ra, Patron of the Sun and Creator of Absolutely Everything Thank You Very Much. She also had a weird habit of turning into a lioness whenever she got mad.
The day that Ra addressed his pantheon about humanity’s increasing disrespect for the gods, she was already not in the best of moods.
“What’re we gonna do, Boss?” said Thoth. “Those critters of yours don’t pray to us anymore.”
“And they don’t obey your laws,” added Mayet. “You gonna take that bullshit or what?”
“No!” said Ra, the insecurity of a doting parent creeping into his voice. “But what am I supposed to do? How do I discipline them if they constantly ignore me?”
It was here that Hathor raised her hand. “Sir, if it’s all right with you, I’d like to go down there and set them straight myself. They’re your children, and like children all they need is a good spanking.”
After careful deliberation, Ra finally replied, “Fine. Whatever.”
Come the following Tuesday, Hathor the Lioness had slaughtered one-third of the young earth’s human population, bathed in and drank their blood, and kicked down their cities.
“Boss,” said Mayet, “I think you made a bad judgement call here.”
“Yeah,” said Thoth. “She’s not answering her phone, and when Khnum went down there to reason with her, she beat the hell out of him and chased him off the continent.”
“What’re we gonna do?” cried a panicky Ra. “She’s completely berzerk! If she annihilates all the humans, we’ll have to scrap this planet and start over from scratch!”
Fortunately Ptah, Patron of Creative Problem-Solving, was present. He reminded Ra that Hathor always partied hard and couldn’t hold her liquor. Ra had a spark of inspiration, and Operation: Kegger was a go: gallons and gallons of beer were colored like fresh blood and placed in strategic locations along Hathor’s path of destruction. Funky dance music cranked to full volume may also have been involved.
Hathor got so piss-drunk she forgot what she was so angry about. Humanity was saved…all thanks to beer.
