Freelance Work

You can hire me to proofread and edit anything you write. My rates vary depending on the project. Browse the site for a slew of amaaazing writing samples.

The internet’s ever-plunging language standards have made people so accustomed to terrible writing that the language as a whole is suffering. Look no further than the last tweet, email, comment, or creepypasta you read (or wrote). It’s making the English language dumber by the day.

You know when you look up something in the dictionary, and it says “also accepted” for an alternate spelling or definition? That’s dictionary-speak for “we give up”. The language changes when the populace persistently uses it incorrectly, leaving the language’s organizers no alternative but to play along. The lazy, the stupid, and the careless are re-shaping English into a language for morons, and it drives me nuts.

You don’t put the apostrophe after the “s” in a singular word or name that ends with s: it’s “Charles’s car keys”, not “Charles’ car keys”. If you’re talking about the Charles Family, it becomes “the Charleses’ car keys”. The word mischievous is pronounced “miss-chiv-uss”, not “miss-chee-vee-uss”, and if you knew your fucking phonograms, you’d know this already. “Literally” is not a universal replacement for “totally”, “actually”, or any other word ending in “-ly”: it’s the antithesis to “figuratively”, as in “The baby literally shits its pants all day; I figuratively shit my pants when something scares me.”

Let’s face it, if you aren’t good at English, chances are it’s because they didn’t teach the Spaulding method at your school. Despite being the best and most consistently proven reading/writing program in America, school districts still refuse to standardize Spaulding from coast to coast, due largely to the agendas of idiot administrators and their idiot professor friends. Spaulding teaches kids at an early age how to break words down into syllables (like I did a moment ago with “mischievous”), and how to recognize the most common letter combinations and the phonetic sounds they make (ch, sh, wh, ee, ough, and so on). I can outread and outwrite most internet dwellers, be they pros or amateurs, because I was Spaulding-raised, and it infuriates me that most people either aren’t taught by the same method, or that they’re too lazy or stupid to pay attention in school (your reasons may vary).

English is a great language, and it deserves better treatment. It unites foreigners under a common tongue. Its rules are less consistent than, say, Spanish or French, but it doesn’t care about inflexion, and it doesn’t force needless complications on you, like remembering that “bowling ball” is a “male” word, and “flower” is a “female” word. The complications of the language stem from its youth, having been cobbled together out of more refined languages by primitive druids who got picked on by the vikings and the Normans on a regular basis. We decide whether it evolves into a better language, or devolves into pure vulgarity. Given the impatience instilled in the human race by the uberconvenience of modern technology, the outlook isn’t good.

So one of my personal quests is the betterment of your understanding and use of the English language. Lemme know if you need help.

~=0=~

I also occasionally do art for people. Below are a number of art pieces I drew as donations and for cash-moneys.

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